Calvin Johnson and the All-Transformer Team

  • Calvin Johnson

    Detroit Lions, WR

    He’s a 6’5, 239-pound wide receiver. He might as well be playing linebacker. Why on God’s green Earth does he run a 4.35 40-yard dash and jump over 40 inches? We’re still trying to find out what exactly he is, because it’s clearly not a human.

    It can be a nightmare or delight depending on what jersey you’re wearing. The scary thing is that football isn’t his first sport — he grew up wanting to play baseball. Looks like a power hitting first baseman if he wanted to be one.

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  • Yasiel Puig

    L.A. Dodgers, OF

    Always believe your eyes when it comes to sports because the tape never lies. What has the tape revealed to me? Yasiel Puig is the best athlete in baseball and it’s not even close. Basically, if Bo Jackson was from Cuba his name would be Puig. The kid is a beast on the field as evidenced by his rocket launcher for an arm, fleet feet, and 66 on his back. Puig is a beautiful terror when he hits the baseball diamond.

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  • LeBron James

    Cleveland Cavaliers, SF

    The King, excuse me…THE KANG. His vitals: 6-8, 250 pounds and negative 27 percent body fat. He’s a tank with a Lambo engine. The only person that can stop him is an incompetent GM who fails to give him a capable supporting cast. He’s the only player in the NBA that can play all five positions AND guard all five positions. Don’t forget he was an all-state WR as a sophomore in Ohio, which is one of the top 10 states for high school football.

    Who’s a better athlete: LeBron, Jimmy Graham, Antonio Gates or Tony Gonzalez? That’s an easy answer, so you already know that if he lined up at tight end he could do what they do, which is have Hall of Fame NFL careers.

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  • Mike Trout

    Los Angeles Angels, OF

    Derek Jeter will be jettisoned into our memories and Cooperstown very soon. Who’s next? We thought it was Bryce Harper and he’s still a dope baseball player, but Mike Trout is up next. The boys of summer become men in the fall and we’re about to watch the most athletic player in baseball grow up right before our eyes because he just carried the Angels into the playoffs this year.

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  • Allyson Felix

    Track and field

    Allyson Felix is definitely one of the top athletes in the world. We’re still waiting on her test results because she might be a gazelle. Although her 5-6, 121-pound physique says otherwise, she’s a very powerful sprinter. College? Please! No thank you. The four-time Olympic gold medalist has been running professionally with the big girls since she graduated high school.

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  • Jadeveon Clowney

    Houston Texans, DE

    I could care less about his Michigan hit. He’s on this list because he’s simply not human. If I told you there was a human being that was 6-6,  266 pounds, with a 4.53 40-yard dash, a 1.56 10-yard dash, and a 38-inch vertical, I wouldn’t expect you to believe that a human this large, agile, and fast existed. But he does.

    He is the definition of a freak.

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  • Zdeno Chara

    Boston Bruins, Defenseman

    I’m not sure if I’m looking at a power forward or an NHL defenseman. He’s 6-9 and 255 pounds and he skates like Brian Boitano. He’s the tallest player to ever play in the NHL, and he’s gone to several All-Star Games. Oh yeah, he also has the hardest slap shot in the league, measuring at 105.4 MPH. He’s on this list because he should be nowhere this list. A 6-9 effective hockey player? Yeah right…

    But he’s the real deal.

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  • Russell Westbrook/Derrick Rose

    Oklahoma City Thunder, Chicago Bulls, PGs

    I really can’t tell the difference between these two. Both have suffered knee injuries and people said they’d never be the same player ever again. Umm…they’ve proven everyone wrong. (Rose is, at least, going to.) You have two 6-3, 200-pound point guards who play like Ferraris. There is no doubt in my mind that if these two wanted to play WR or DB in the NFL they could.

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  • Usain Bolt

    Track and field

    World’s fastest man. So he’s about 5-9, 185 pounds like Maurice Greene, right? Nope, the current day fastest human is 6-5, 207 pounds, and world record holder. His body type is that of a 400m runner, so I have no clue how Usain Bolt runs the 100m in 9.58 seconds. Oh yeah, he’s also the 200m world record holder with a time of 19.19 seconds.

    What makes Bolt special is not the fact that he only takes 41 steps in a 100m race compared to his competitor’s 45 steps; it’s the power in Bolt’s steps and the fact that given his height and longer stride he has the record for the fastest 10m split at .82 seconds.

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  • Mario Balotelli

    Liverpool, Forward

    Yes, Cristiano Ronaldo is great and Lionel Messi is amazing, but Balotelli is the complete package. Balotelli plays with the grace of a ballerina and he’s powerful enough to ward off defenders. And when it comes to speed, good luck in a foot race with this speedy Italian.

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  • Calvin Johnson
  • Yasiel Puig
  • LeBron James
  • Allyson Felix
  • Usain Bolt
  • Mario Balotelli

They say some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouths, and it’s true. Take any trust fund baby and you’ll see a platinum Tiffany spoon carefully placed in their mouths being held by the nanny or butler. However, there are also kids born with golden genetics, and it has nothing to do with their faces or their perfect bone structure. It’s all about their bodies and the freakish things they are able to do with them.

Think about LeBron James or Kevin Durant. Think about Calvin Johnson. These genetic freaks are born with the perfect height and weight combination, pros that go beyond to become something more — entertainers, a show all to themselves. Their DNA has been custom tailored for them to be top flight athletes. Their quick twitch muscles are faster than email, they are completely unaware of their own strength, and it just proves that sometimes life isn’t fair. You can work all you want. Do push-ups until you can’t lift your arms. Run until you’re ready to throw up. Study film until your eyes hurt. None of it will matter. Could you ever catch Prime Time? Nope. Could you ever jump with Jordan? No way. These cats are untouchable. True legends. Real-life transformers.

With the NFL in full swing and the NBA just around the bend — the two leagues that are probably littered with the most incredible all-around athletes in sports today — are the most physically gifted athletes in sports today and don’t be surprised if one day in the future these athletes are discovered to be Transformers, Decepticons, Superheroes or Mutants. Here is Calvin Johnson and the All-Transformer Team.

Follow Richard on Twitter at @6Magazine